Secret Service designates agents to stop Trump from staring straight up at icicles

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an effort to prevent even more accidents that no one had previously thought possible, the Secret Service has chosen a group of agents to prevent Trump from staring directly up at icicles. “During the last administration, our men were vigilant about shooters and possible bomb threats, but with President Trump, we have expanded our watch to cover most sharp objects and swallowing hazards,” stated newly appointed icicle agent John Colter, while installing a visor into Trump’s head to obstruct his vision. “Even with this device, Trump still somehow stops when he is below an icicle. He has a real sixth sense about them.” At press time, the White House has taken a firm stance in favor of global warming to neutralize the icicle threat entirely.